Gay and Happy

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Illustrious gay men and women laud the Pope’s forward views on homosexuality. Anand Venkateswaran reports. 

 

Gay men and women went ‘Yay!’ as Pope Francis, during the course of a single conversation, said homosexual orientation wasn’t a sin, that gay people should not be marginalised, that they should be integrated into society.

 

 

 

Christian or not, alive or not, real or not; the following illustrious public figures and achievers who also happen to be gay, celebrated the Pontiff’s inclusive views and, well, commented. Here are the headlines –

 

Oscar Wilde lauds Pope’s important earnestness

 

“Better late and all that,” said a droll Oscar, who had a run in or two with the church back in the day. All the same, he was quite pleased with the Pontiff’s words, which he termed ‘important and earnest’ for gay people the world over. When asked if he read the interview, Oscar scoffed and said, “I watched the video. (He is an) articulate young man.” He parried questions about his strained relations with the church. He did admit, tongue in cheek, to having one thing in common with the institution – an inimitable focus on temptation.

 

Wizardly move: Albus Dumbledore

 

 

 

The headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry apparated into select newsrooms across the world in response to requests for his statement on the Pope’s views on homosexuality. “I commend the Pontiff’s stand, which I am sure will save many young men and women from spirals of guilt.” The wizard added, “It would take more than the flick of the wand, however, to wish away discrimination from the world they walk in.” With that, he tipped his hat, touched an old boot, and disappeared inside it.

 

Ricky Martin loca about Pope

 

The Latin pop sensation broke into song and put his snake-hip move to use for a good ten minutes as interviewers cheered him on. “Loca about Pope John Paul,” he announced to a surprised gathering. When a journalist pointed out that the current Pope is Francis, Ricky shrugged and gushed a stream of Spanish, which they didn’t understand a word of. They abandoned hopes of an interview and instead decided to examine the cocktail menu as they waited for a typed statement from Ricky’s PR.  

 

A suitable sentiment, says Vikram Seth

 

Vikram Seth, among India’s best known poets and novellists, once said it being gay in India was tougher than being gay abroad. When asked if the Pope’s recent statements might in any way remedy the situation, “Certainly,” said Vikram, and added “I might even write an acrostic poem about it, that spells ‘Go Pope’. The polyglot revealed he intended to sing the poem as a lieder, while playing the flute and cello. “I was just as happy when Section 377 got a kick in the rear. This will reinforce a tradition of tolerance,” Vikram said as pens scribbled furiously. He stared down a reporter who gushed about the upcoming A Suitable Girl, choosing instead to break into a spirited rendition of his poem ‘Fire’.  

 

‘They finally cracked the code’

 

 

 

Alan Turing, father of computing, leaned out of an LED screen in MI6, the British Intelligence fortress. Turing had a second coming to sort out some computational messes in London, consequent to M’s tragic demise in last James Bond caper, Skyfall. “I invented algorithm, computation, figured out German ciphers and still wasn’t enough,” said a peeved Alan. He admitted that former British PM Gordon Brown’s apology was mollifying. “Life is a variable. What’s the point of so many constraining constants?” said Alan.

 

This is great, says Alexander

 

“First of all, I look nothing like Colin Farrel,” said Alexander the Great as he walked out of a nail salon. “But kudos to the Pope. Kudos is a Greek word, did you know?” he added. The Macedonian’s varied sexual orientation gave him little trouble during his own time, but he wasn’t happy with the ‘long-term reportage’, “or history, if you prefer.” Ever a warrior still, he says there’s still a lot to fight for. “War is just plain silly in this age of nukes. You can fight other things now, like Section 377,” he quipped. He then got on to his hobby horse of fashion and promoted his new range of houte couture with a weaponised twist – Gucci sunglasses with a 15th century garotte embedded in the rim.

 

Freddy Mercury promises Vatican concert

 

The mercurial lead singer of British rock band Queen told the media that would love to organise a private concert at the Vatican if Pope Francis wished it. “He is a champion for saying what he did,” said Freddy. “That’s right, we will rock you, brothers, and give you a wardrobe makeover as well. Something with a little more bling, something operatic, darlings.” The star vocalist refused to allow live telecast, since he was “technically dead, my dear, haven’t you noticed?” He spoke for his bandmates, he claimed. “We’re all big fans now. We’ve found somebody to love,” he said. Running late for a posthumous concert, he looked back at the waiting press and said, “Don’t stop me now!”

 

An edited version of this article was published at The Hindu, right here.

 

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